7 hours.
That's how long I lasted, full on 'proper parenting' before I failed.
Now, if I am being completely honest little Chumlins, I need some bloody space.
They have followed me everywhere. Everywhere.
It all started so well;
8.15am
Hey Google woke me up. No Saturday lie in would normally make me not the happiest bunny but today, today we are getting a new boiler and in my world that is bloody exciting news! (Yes, I am aware that this is probably a lie in for some people, but I am not some people, I am not a morning person, so shush)
8.30am
They are like those dinosaurs who can sense movement and they are downstairs with you before you can switch the kettle on. No fear, I am in happy happy mode.
8.40am
We are going to have a quick tidy up of the living room and hallway before Mr Boiler Man comes. No arguments, seriously, I shit you not, they just got on and helped.
8.55am
Bagel time! We have 50 million of them, and no freezer space. Luckily, they are tasty tasty and everyone likes them.
9.05am
In an absolute shock move, Auty asks if she can sort out the 'treat' cupboard?! Woah. Taken aback, I obviously agree.
9.10am
Shock bloody horror. I went upstairs for approximately 0.23 seconds, came downstairs and the boys are surrounding Auty 'helping'. Are they bloody hell helping, they just have an absolute weird addiction to being near junk food and are staring in horror as Auty throws away out of date chocolate. Well, that will teach you for saving it to tease your siblings rather than eat it, won't it.
9.30am
She's done a bloody good job of that cupboard you know. Bravo. I decide that today we shall bake. Genius. Off the small people go to the shop with a little shopping list.
10am
Mr Boiler Man arrives. Yay! Shiney new boiler! Hot water, here we come!
10.15am
What happens when Mr Boiler Man type people come to fit a boiler? Hmm? Well, they sure as hell don't leave the gas and water on do they?! Moron.
10.20am
No Worries, we are no bake baking, ooh yeah! I've totally got this parenting thing down today! *insert little smug happy dance*
10.30am
Why is it that when you have no water, and have had to fill pans up in case you need emergency water, everyone is suddenly thirst monsters and want to drink all the water?!
10.50am
What happens when people are thirst monsters? They need the loo, that's what. What can't you do with no water, flush the toilet. I come up with a genius idea...we shall all have a wee in the same toilet, requiring only one flush, leaving 2 other toilets for the rest of the day. OK, it sounds a tad gross when you type it out, but needs must.
11am
Baking time! I am a genius, we even have a little hand gel hand washing and discussion thing. I have bloody got this parenting stuff down!
11.50am
We are baking biscuit cake bars, they look lovely and have kept the small people quite nicely entertained and mostly quiet. It is now setting and they obviously require something else to entertain them. Today, I am refusing TV.
11.55m
Paper, pen, table. We are writing a secret sentence story, actually goes quite well, I am more than a little shocked. T then wants to do the same drawing a sandwich. This doesn't go as well, T's draw ham. Ham. There I was thinking it was going to be all weird and creative and we basically have a ham sandwich with legs. Next we try a one word story. T is unfortunately and quite honestly, in knob mode. He is finding it funny to just say silly things that don't go and annoy his siblings, joy.
12.20pm
OK, that actually worked a hell of a lot longer than I thought, and they enjoyed it. I am feeling a bit smug if I am being quite honest. Oh, yeah! Now for lunch. I have never known anyone take so long making scrambled egg, ever.
12.50pm
Chocolate melting time! Coping with chocolate on the table is proving quite a challenge, but somehow they cope without imploding at the idea of chocolate being around and not finding it's way in to their mouths. Coping with the idea that the cake needs to go back in the fridge is a little more challenging for them. Lord. I give in and let them have a piece of chocolate each.
1pm
They cannot even choose a board game together. The arguing is starting. When I say starting, I obviously don't mean starting, that begins as soon as they open their eyes, I am pretty sure they argue with each other in their dreams. I pick, frustration, or whatever this version is called, jenga, but it's not, it's weird and has 4 x 4 stack thing happening, and the chopstick game. This all goes really, mostly quite well. Even if it does seem like they don't enjoy it and want to rush through like if they don't press the pushy thing within 3 seconds of the last person's go the whole thing will blow up. Poor Boo isn't the rushing type and keeps being told off. Sigh. Chill out, this is supposed to be fun.
1.15pm
Boo has a crazy smile and is squinting out the window. "Boo, what are you doing?"
"They say that the world looks brighter with a smile"
Oh I love this brain!
2.35pm
Random boogie. The gas man walked in to my mum twerking weird thing. Joy
2.50pm
Charades. Lou is getting to cocky bitch mode. This is never good. It all starts going downhill.
3.30pm
Please. I just need 5 minutes. Please self entertain for 5 minutes. No Boo, me and you playing charades isn't self entertaining.
3.45pm
Bye bye Mr Boiler Man! You've seen far too much, we should really kill you, but we may need you again, and you know, you seem nice enough.
4.15pm
Oh crap, I fell asleep on the sofa, I am so old. You know what woke me up? A man saying "hello, can you hear me?" I answered my phone in my sleep, marvellous. Now I have to act human and not just woke up ish while figuring out what time it is.
5.30pm
Tea. Yum
6.30pm
I give in, we are going to snuggle and have a film. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? Sure!
6.50pm
Oh holy hell. The internet has gone. They are like a tag team, or that balloon game where the balloon cannot touch the floor, only their version is there cannot be a seconds silence, and they just keep talking, and talking. And talking! They are not taking a breath. How is this possible? How have they not passed out from lack of air?!
7pm
Miracle and thank goodness, it's working! Silence resumes. Films are serious business.
7.39pm
This is bloody terrifying. There are spiders, everywhere, Boo is terrified, and I am having to act the brave grown up. I want to cover my eyes and scream, but I can't. No one tells you about this side of parenting.
8.36pm
Harry Potter is not a good film choice. It lasts for a billion years. It may not be late in the real world but here in mine, I need some alone time, sorry.
9.27pm
I am about to blow...how can you make so much noise brushing your teeth?! Surely the toothbrush, and paste, and spit should prevent the mouth from making talking, giggling and shouting noises?!
9.52pm
Magnetic fields. That's what Boo wants to talk about. Magnetic fields. I'm exhausted quite honestly, and some knob has whacked the heating up to a thousand degrees so I am melting. However, I listen with interested as, you know...listen to the small things or they won't tell you the big things.
10.15pm
Wow, that was a long day. Not a bad day, just a very, very long day. And I didn't even get to have my hot shower that I've been looking forward to for two weeks. Don't worry, I've had showers, they have just been cold on account of not having a working boiler.
I can't even conjure up the words. And I've wanted to write all day. Sigh.
TPFN
Kyra x
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