Mornings. Oh mornings, it's always something isn't it Chumlins?!
It started off quite well really. I pottered in the kitchen and sat enjoying my morning coffee. That's when, let's call them Child B, give them some anonymity, sits down next to me.
"Have you brushed your teeth?" I asked, knowing fully well what the answer was, morning breath does not lie, it does not care, it's kind of a bitch. The morning breath, not the child...
Off they went to do the job and came back a minute later.
1 minute. 60 seconds.
"You need to brush your teeth." I said, fairly calmly really.
"I have done".
"You can't have brushed them properly you've only been gone a minute" I said looking at my watch for added backup and visualisation.
"I have brushed them properly".
I take a breath "It takes at least 2 minutes to brush your teeth properly"
"Yes, I have brushed them properly"
"You've only been gone 1 minute" I try to smile sweetly and say through gritted teeth.
"I've brushed them properly" They insist.
"You have only been gone 1 minute. You need to brush your teeth for at least 2" I put up 1 finger on 1 hand and 2 on the other. Visualisation is good they say. Breath, stay calm, you got this. Logic wins.
"Yes, I have done." Fully serious face.
Another breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth "It isn't physically possible to brush your teeth for 2 minutes in 1 minute."
"I have brushed them properly" No smile, no wavering conviction. Dead seriousness.
Now I am getting more than a little annoyed at the lack of any common sense or logic happening here. How do you explain when logic is being completely ignored... also, why am I continuing in this conversation?!
Big, deep breath, gritted teeth and curling toes "It is not possible. It cannot happen. You cannot do a 2 minute job in 1 minute."
"But I have done."
I shit you not. They are insisting they have completed a 2 minute job in 1 minute, less than if you count the time to travel to and from the bathroom. What the holy fuck?!
Ok, let's try a different approach. Logic will win "Which is the bigger number 1 or 2."
"2."
"So, if 2 is bigger than 1, how on earth have you brushed your teeth for 2 minutes...in 1 minute?!" Calmness slipping, screeching banshee almost showing.
"I have done." The serious look is not slipping from their face. This is not a joke, this is pure stubborn resilience, and bloody lies of course.
I could scream. How do you even battle this when it is literally ridiculous. How can they insist they have done a 2 minute job...in 1 sodding minute.
I get a large glass and a glass half the size. I fill the smaller glass with water.
"This is 1 minute." I pour it in to the larger glass. "This is another minute. So how many minutes are in the bigger glass now?"
"2"
Ignoring how utterly ridiculous this is...Good. OK, I think this is working...
I pour the larger glass in to the smaller one. "See, two minutes can't fit in to 1."
"But I have brushed my teeth properly."
By this point, their siblings are just saying in disbelief "Just go brush them again" I cannot continue with this disregard for logic, I cannot contain it...
"GO AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH YOU DIRTY CRETIN!!"
And off they went...still bloody insisting that they have brushed their teeth for 2 minutes.
Breath. Breath. Breeeeath!!
Well, what a jolly marvellous start to the day. Fantastic.
TPFN
Kyra x
Comments