We are going to get this out of the way straight off the bat (that’s a saying right? Yes it is, Google says so);
What, the holy, fuck and fudgcicles!
Right, now that is out of my system, let me begin.
Nat and I went away for a couple of days, oo, it was lovely. As is often the case with hotels which I don’t have to sell both my kidneys to stay in, our TV had freeview. Now, let me tell you, there is nothing wrong with freeview. It’s quite an adventure flicking through them channels never knowing what is going to land before your eyes next. It is literally, living on the edge. And let me tell you, we certainly lived on the edge, flicking away and finding weird and wonderful programmes; the things I have learnt about screws being made is not worth knowing let me tell you. Anyhoo, there I was, just happily scrolling through in my rebellious little state when….
BAM
Penis
In fact, no. Multiple penises. Penii?
What the...hecky peck!! (actually I want to say what the fuck here but I don’t want to go all potty mouth, even if it is way more factual, I mean, how would you react?!)
To be quite honest little Chumlins, I wasn’t really sure what I was looking at when it first graced my screen in all it’s close up, erm, glory? And then suddenly I realised, there was cock. Cock, on my TV screen. Then before I could wrap my brain around that, there were multiple naked men bits, 6 of them. 6 naked penises/penii in 6 different colours.
Now, I have never really considered myself a prude, honestly I haven’t but, well, they are completely bollocky buff on TV, when did this happen?! I’m sure they never even used to show proper naked bits in porn and now, now it is a TV show for entertainment on Channel 4. Channel 4 I tell you. I remember when Channel 4 was just a baby...I think, or that may have been Channel 5 actually….
Fact check; Channel 4 started 2nd November 1982, I definitely do not remember the baby years but still… (Channel 5 was 30th March 1997 in case you were curious as I am sure you were)
How I found myself gaining the following information is still unsure to me, other than, Nat found it flipping hilarious, and I decided to make the most out of a bad situation and make notes to write about later.
The show is Naked Attraction and here is what I have learnt through my utterly traumatic experience.
It starts off with a person. In this case it was 60 something year old….oh, I didn’t make a note of her name, bum, right, lets call her Prudence. So Prudence lets the TV people know what she wants from a suitor and they hunt down people with the right bits and bobs, as well as being happy to have their penis out on national TV, don’t forget that bit.
So Prudence comes out and has a little chat with the host in front of 6 coloured tubes. Turns out, inside these tubes are her men fellows waiting to show off their...bits. So, round one, well, they really just get stuck in there. Round one the front of the tubes raises to just below the men’s
belly buttons, and, did I mention, they are completely naked. Not a stitch on. Completely, utterly, bollocky buff.
Well, Prudence’s little eyes light up and off they go (her and the host, not her eyes, although she did take those with her also) for a proper close up inspection, and I mean inspection. She really did get right up and under for a good look all whilst chatting away to the host about the men folks like they were shoes in a shop. And she is very honest about what she does and does not like about these particular, erm, shoes.
I did worry that we might have a bit of lift off if you know what I mean, but Prudence is so brutally honest I am sure any hope little penis had of flying away was very sharply slapped down.
So, after she has had a good inspection Prudence has to choose which penis, and man attached she is going to eliminate. She picks her colour and the tube front fully raises to expose man in all his naked glory. He jumps down off his little stand and just strolls on over, his little man tail swinging away and they have a really close hug...then she watches and pervs on his bum as he walks away.
Cut screen to the changing room and he says how gutted he is, but how comfortable he is being naked blah blah blah…. Oh, and he does a little naked twirl thing that transforms him into a fully clothed man.
The next round the screen moves to the neck, and the same carry on happens
Round 3 reveals their faces. I am pretty sure this is the round where she eliminated based on penis size. She is a gagger you see. And in case you didn’t know what that meant, fear not! For a lovely little animated video pops up explaining exactly what a gagger is, joy.
Round 4 they are allowed to talk. So what does Prudence do? Well, she brings out a cake! She has made a cake and goes round offering them all a slice. Aww, isn’t that sweet?
Wrong!!
Oo, she is a proper dirty minx this Prudence. It is clotted cream. She would like clotted cream on her vagina, and I am not going to continue with that particular sentence because it is just too rudey dudey.
Round 5. Now here is where they add another little curve ball in. Prudence goes off and comes back, and now she’s completely naked. Close up of mens faces, followed by a very close up of Prudence’s lady garden, only, there isn’t a whole lot of garden there quite honestly.
During Prudence’s little trip off to rid herself of her pesky clothes we get a little profile info thing on the men, with close ups of the body, the eyes and, you guessed it, the penis.
There are two men left at this point; Man, and Man in glasses. Gosh I am bad with names, let’s call Man in glasses, Alfred. So Alfred is a business manager. Well, can you imagine, you go to meet your business manager and you saw him in the nuddey pants on TV the night before? Well, I didn’t know where to look.
But, you will be pleased to know that Alfred wins, so his naked business manager issue was all worth it because he is clearly going to get laid. I don’t mean to be crass but, these two are clearly gagging for it. There I said it. They have very, very, very close naked cuddles and then have a proper little snog before walking off hand in hand.
They go on their date the same day and, well, as Alfred predicted she was “naked in my bed later” (Alfred’s bed, not mine, obviously.)
The best bit though? They come back 3 weeks later to say how they are getting on, and do you know what they said?
They are keeping in contact but taking the relationship slowly.
I shit you not, you could not make that up
Oh, and did I mention there were two contestants per episode. If you can call them contestants??
Our next is a guy in his 20s.
As the screen raises to reveal the naked vaginas he comes out with this little gem;
“ Fanny is the prize of life”
Oh. Dear.
I think I’ll leave you there to digest that part. Perhaps if you are good we will pick up with the rest of this episode another time.
For now,
TPFN,
Kyra x
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