*Please note in actual sticking to my previous blog style, even though I would like to post this now, I am refraining ,so when I am saying I am playing poker tonight, it is in fact, not a school night (It’s actually Saturday, shhh!). Carry on…
Today, I have learnt something…
Poor Ginger one is a little lost at the moment. I offer board game and he counter offers with…Poker.
I am not a poker player. But he is very giddy and I will be taught how to play…
Off he goes to….iron his mat?? And I get snacks…Flipz, obviously. Nat is a proper hostess type person and brings in drinks and bowls of crisps. Show off.
Turns out I really don't know how to play poker so we start with Black Jack. Turns out I don't really know how to play that either…
The Rules You need to get to 21. Jacks, Queens and Kings are worth 10. The ace can be a 1 or a 11. You get 2 cards and then you can twist or hold or fold… Oh, you can also split. If you go over 21, you have bust.
Simple enough right??
No, it’s not as simple as it sounds. Especially when we have chip things that we are betting with on our hands.
Utmost attention must be given at all times, players do not like to wait for even a second, a milli of a second in fact.
As relaxed as cards sound, this is competitive and you must act suitably serious at all times.
If you go over 21, you must say. You are not allowed to wait until your next go and then split your cards, this is not allowed and you will get accused of cheating, without actually cheating or reaping any benefits.
Don't just keep saying 'Hit Me'. Yes it may sound cool but you will quite quickly bust. Bust is bad.
Top tip: Don’t bet all in when you have 13. It is not a good hand and you will loose everything.
Other tips; Betting all in is not cool. You are not James Bond.
Do not bet all in when you have nothing. It is silly and irresponsible with your chips.
People are mean.
Resetting the chips when someone ‘looses’ is also not a thing.
You can have 21 and still not win if they have 'better cards'! Eh? How...isn't that the whole entire point of the game? Why are we giving cards superiority complexes?!
Anyhoo, now to the Poker.
Here are my top tips and advice to survive a night of poker at home:
Poker is a very serious game. Do not drink wine while playing. Especially most of a box… (Or bottle if you are posh and that way inclined...)
People laugh when winning money but no speaking, laughing or possibly even breathing the rest of the time is allowed.
Do not write a blog during game play. Serious stuff remember.
Half a flush is not a thing.
Do not keep betting when you have a shit hand. Remember the saying putting bad money after good…or something like that.
Same rule applies…Don't bet all in when you have nothing. It is silly and irresponsible with your chips.
Apparently half a whisper, nail clippers, a fortune cookie and a penny are not valid betting stuffs…even if you do win with it!
Toilet breaks are your friend. Take them frequently. If you can’t fake it, drink more wine and keep proclaiming that you’ve 'broken the seal'. It’s a thing, promise.
Find the fun. Become dealer and start announcing all cards and bets in calm flight attendant style voice.
Do not quote James Bond as your reason for presetting cards.
This makes way more sense, right?!
When told to put those to the bottom and shuffle do not under any circumstances shuffle, it is a trick and shuffling should not ensue.
Learn the difference between a club and a spade…quickly.
Do not add an extra card and say plot twist. This does not go down well.
When told off for being on phone, refuse to add the fun little extras of your dealer fundom.
Do not try and make small talk, especially about onion bhajis.
Do not sigh. Under any circumstances.
Do not find your blogging mojo before playing. You are not allowed to leave. Ever.
If you are kindly offered a loan do not ask for one from the bank instead. This does not go down well. This is not Monopoly.
When it gets bad, use needing to message your friend who is having a hard time as an excuse. You will only feel marginally bad…
Do not take half. Half is not good…
Jack, Queen, King is nothing. Don’t bet on it.
Do not take chips from the bank…they will find out, then you will be told you have burst the trust trees, that sucks.
Suggest another bloody game and it actually happens. Chase the ace here we come! Hurrah!
TPFN – toodle pip for now!
Kyra x
Comments